What Deidara and Sasori do in their spare time
by dark-spirited Bakura
Summary: Itachi listens in on Sasori and Deidara having a very... interesting conversation. Suggestive themes.
1. Deidara, Sasori, and Itachi

**Hehehe. So this is kinda based off of a real life event, I really wanted to make it into a fanfic. Hope you guys like it!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, it would never end. **

**Summary: Itachi listens in on Sasori and Deidara having a very… interesting conversation. **

**Warnings: Suggestive themes. That is all.**

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><p>Itachi sighed, walking down the hallway. Everyone was out on missions tonight except him and the two artists, and it was too quiet. That was, until he started hearing some noises coming from the front room. Curious, he went to investigate. He leaned his ear against the door and heard Sasori grunting in frustration.<p>

"Why won't it fit?"

"Well first of all, it's big on one side and little on the other, un…"

"It shall fit!"

"Um, Danna… big things don't fit in small places, un."

"It has to fit! I just need to shove harder!" A moaning sound was heard.

"Ah… I'm not sure this is such a good idea, un."

"WE NEED TO STRETCH IT UNTIL IT FITS!"

"Okay, okay, calm down Danna. But that won't make it fit either, un…"

"Silly brat, anything fits with lube."

"… Danna… I don't think lube will help us right now, un."

"YES IT WILL!"

"Ow that hurts! This isn't fun anymore, un!"

"But we only started two minutes ago."

"I don't think it's healthy to do this every night, un… And what if somebody finds out?"

"It won't be the end of the world, brat. I'm sure Hidan and Kakuzu do stuff like this together as well."

"If you say so, Danna… Now stop shoving it in so hard, un!"

Itachi, mortified, backed away from the door and ran into his room. He locked the door behind him and curled up into a fetal position on his bed. "Must. Get images. Out of head."

**(Meanwhile, in the front room)**

Deidara rubbed his arm where Sasori punched him. The puppeteer continuously tried to make two jigsaw puzzle pieces fit together that obviously didn't go together, determined to combine them. The artists had a puzzle fetish, and it would be embarrassing if the rest of the Akatsuki found out.

"Danna, you better give up while you're ahead, un," the blonde said, noting the furious glare in the puppeteer's eyes. Even with puzzles, he had a very limited patience.

"NEVER!" the redhead shouted.

Deidara sighed. This happened every single time. He absently started putting together the border of the puzzle.

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><p><strong>Yep, this is what you get when you put my friends and a puzzle together. Us and our sick minds. Anyways… review!<strong>


	2. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kisame

**Hey hey hey, look who wrote another chapter for this story! I just had to… me and my friend have recently discovered the many uses of the word… come(cum). Yes. Our perverted minds cannot hear that word innocently anymore. Curse those lemons. So if you don't know what come/cum means… you won't understand this one… look it up and then come back, hows about that? :D Anyways enjoy!**

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><p>Kisame sighed contentedly as he walked into the base, tired after his long mission. Humming softly, he started walking down the hallway until he reached Hidan and Kakuzu's room. He could hear the two bickering somewhat quietly, and he was curious as to what they were fighting about this time. He leaned his ear to the door.<p>

"Hidan, I'm not going to let you come."

"But Kuzuuu, it hurts like hell…"

"No, you're going to be punished. You're not going to come until I think you deserve it."

"Fuck, Kakuzu! You know what, I'm coming and I'm going to stare at you the entire time!"

"…that's just creepy… and I don't even think that's possible…"

"Well of course it is, let me show you!" Shuffling sounds.

"Hidan! You better not come yet!"

A pause. "Aaahhh Kuzuuuu… so much fucking better…"

"Great, look at the mess you made! Eugh it's everywhere…"

"Well at least it's white, it could be a different color and it would stain. Ungrateful bastard."

"Hidan… get out."

"But I'm so tired now, Kuzu…"

A sigh. "Fine! But clean it up first."

"…fuck you!"

"Been there, done that…"

"…"

Kisame stood up straight, no emotion on his face. He walked two steps and then burst out screaming, running down the hallway to his and Itachi's room. He landed on the bed next to Itachi and imitated the Uchiha's actions, curling into a fetal position and rocking back and forth.

"…you too?" Itachi asked feebly.

Kisame whimpered and nodded.

(Meanwhile, in Hidan and Kakuzu's room)

"How long do you think it's gonna take them to figure out we put a Jacuzzi in our room?" Hidan asked, cleaning up the shampoo he spilt on the carpet and being careful of the leg he'd injured on their last mission.

Kakuzu shrugged, leaning back in the small circular tub. "Who knows. All I can say is it was definitely worth the money. And the healing benefits it provides are quite satisfying."

"Which is why I need to come in! My leg still fucking hurts!"

"Hidan… did you hear Kisame screaming a couple of minutes ago?"

"Nope, you're just going senile, money whore."

"…you're never coming in the Jacuzzi ever again."

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><p><strong>Hahaha I enjoyed writing that one very much! It didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to but oh well. Oh that one part where Hidan said "I'm coming and I'm going to stare at you the entire time!" A little kid walked up to me and said that. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stand. Anyways a couple of you wanted a chapter with Hidan and Kakuzu so I decided to write this just for you guys! Remember to review! I might or might not continue this even more, it all depends :)<strong>


	3. Itachi, Kisame, and Pein

**I kind of feel bad for that last chapter, it totally scarred my cousin for life O.o Eh it's his own fault for reading it XD Anyways I got a request for Pein to be the one listening in on Itachi and Kisame's conversation, so here you are! It took me forever to come up with an idea so hopefully you guys like it!**

**Disclaimer: I forgot the disclaimer for the last chapter *cops pull up at my house* Oh nuuuu! You can take me, but you'll never take my bunghole! For I am the great Cornholio! (Beavis and Butthead XD)**

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><p>Pein was bored. And when Pein was bored, people suffer. And when people suffer, Pein is happy. Therefore, he was going to go make someone suffer. Namely Kisame. The shark nin was always a fun one to mess around with. Deidara was as well, but Pein already tortured him enough last week.<p>

So, he was off to Kisame and Itachi's room.

Looking forward to watching his subordinate squirm, he quickly approached his destination. Pein reached out to open the door until he picked up on a hushed conversation. He decided to eavesdrop on what the two were talking about and come up with some witty remark for maximum dramatic effect as he entered. _Best. Idea. Ever._ He thought to himself.

"C'mon Itachi, let me be on top for once!"

"…no can do, Kisame, I enjoy being on top far too much. It makes me feel powerful."

"But being on the bottom hurts! I can never sit right the next morning!"

"I thought you would have learned to deal with it by now. Besides, you know I am more qualified for being the one on top."

"…guess you have a point there."

"Now lay down and take it like a man."

"…this bed is so uncomfortable."

"I'll show you uncomfortable."

"…"

"…"

"I was joking, Kisame."

"…haha?"

"…"

"So…"

"Yes?"

"Are you ready yet, 'Tachi?"

"Not quite. I still need to get these clothes off."

"Oh yeah. Hurry up though, I'm dying here."

"Be patient."

Pein's eye twitched as he backed away from the door. _Dear Kami, I thought Deidara and Sasori were the only ones… if Itachi and Kisame are like that too, there's no doubt about Hidan and Kakuzu… The hell? Why are there no straight men in my organization? Besides myself of course. Everyone knows I'm straight. Wait… what about Tobi and Zetsu?_

Now extremely disturbed at the images that were popping into his head, Pein left without another word.

(Meanwhile, in Itachi and Kisame's room)

Kisame yawned, laying down on the bottom part of the bunk bed. "Hurry up and get into your PJ's, 'Tachi, I wanna turn this light off already. I'm gonna drop dead of exhaustion."

"…did I not tell you to be patient?"

Kisame pouted.

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><p><strong>Haha that was really fun to write, it's kind of entertaining to write stuff from Pein's point of view. The most difficult part was coming up with dialogue for Itachi that seemed somewhat in character. I was really really really tempted to put this in.<strong>

**"…this bed is hard."**

**"That's not the only thing that's going to be hard in a second."**

**But I couldn't find a way to apply that to the situation, so yeah. The bed became uncomfortable instead of hard. XD I think this will be the last chapter, unless you guys want me to write one more with Konan, Tobi, and Zetsu. If I get at least three reviews wanting me to continue this I shall! I can't believe how much feedback I got for this story though, honestly. You guys are all pervs, just like me! :D Anyways don't forget to drop a review on your way out!**


	4. Tobi, Zetsu, and Konan

**Well, here's the last chapter everyone! It's been fun writing this story, and I hope you guys have had fun reading it as well. As promised, Konan shall be listening in on Tobi and Zetsu. This chapter was way easy to write because there is so much stuff you can do with those two. XD Anyways enjoy the TobixZet-ness! And on the conversation part I'm going to have to put in who says what because things can get a little confusing with the black/white Zetsu thing. For the sake of this chapter, the two sides of Zetsu shall from here on out be referred to as Black and White.**

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><p>Konan's eye twitched as she walked down the hallway, thoroughly annoyed at Pein. "Damn him… send the only woman out to fetch everyone for the meeting. Why doesn't he do it himself? Or send Tobi?"<p>

The kunoichi stood in the middle of the hallway, crossing her arms and huffing. "EVERYONE! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN TO THE SEALING CHAMBER RIGHT NOW OR I'M GOING TO BRING OUT MY CASTRATING SPOON!" she yelled.

Immediately the rest of the Akatsuki members burst out of their rooms. Sasori stepped out into the hallway, a very annoyed look on his face. He brought a puzzle piece up to his eyes to glare at it, and then proceeded to snap it in half. Deidara sighed heavily, shaking his head as he walked past the puppet master. Hidan threw open his door, a small towel the only thing covering his body. Kakuzu followed, maskless and black hair slightly wet. Itachi and Kisame emerged last, the Uchiha looking very manly in his manly pajamas (blue satin decorated with bunny rabbits) while Kisame idly complained about bunk beds.

Konan frowned when she noticed that Tobi and Zetsu had not appeared. She made her way down to the very end of the hallway, staring at the closed door. She opened her mouth to scream some choice words at the two, but decided otherwise as a thought occurred to her. She wanted to know what the two talked about when there was no one else around, considering Zetsu was one of the few who knew Tobi's true identity. She leaned forward to eavesdrop.

"This is a really tight fit," Tobi grunted, using his real voice.

"It's because you're so big," Black said, sounding strained.

"Start moving, it might help," White said in the same strained voice.

Konan felt a nosebleed coming on as the images started popping into her head.

"Still… so… tight!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Move faster!" Black demanded.

"Yes… faster!" White agreed.

"Is… this… fast… enough?" Tobi panted a few moments later.

"Now we're… getting somewhere…" White said, sounding more strained.

There was now a steady flow of blood dripping from Konan's nose.

"Can't go for… much longer…" Tobi gasped.

"Just… hang on… a little longer…" Black sounded more strained as well.

And then Konan fainted from blood loss.

(Meanwhile, in Tobi and Zetsu's room)

Tobi glared at Zetsu as the two-toned plant fell to the ground, not able to contain his laughter any longer. Watching the masked man run around the room in a shirt that was far too small for him was just hilarious.

"I hate you so much right now," Tobi hissed, still slightly out of breath and attempting to pull the shirt back over his head. But the damned thing was stuck! The sight of Tobi trying and failing to remove the article of clothing just caused both sides of Zetsu to laugh even harder.

"Fuck! Zetsu, you are dead as soon as I get this piece of shit off of me!" Tobi yelled, hopping around the room and still attempting to get that darn shirt over his head.

"Okay… Hidan…" White managed to get out between laughs.

"Gaaah!"

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><p><strong>Those two never did quite make it to the meeting… Pein was so disappointed in them. How many of you have put on clothes that were too small for you and then couldn't take them off? XD *raises hand* Anyways thanks go out to all of the readers of this story, you guys are freaking amazing. Don't forget to drop one last review on your way out and I'll see you around! :P<strong>


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